The Case of the Dissapearing Friends

BB (Before baby)  I used to watch those Hollywood movies and shows, the ones with the new parents in them. I would laugh at the scenes that showed with hilarity the new parents loosing their old friends. I remember one scene in a show (can’t recall the show now) and after their friends had fled in terror, the mum declared “Oh no we are one of those people, the ones who can’t talk about anything but their children”. I would chuckle thinking it was just Hollywood being well Hollywood, a bit of creative license to get a laugh. When we finally had our child, even then I thought “that wont happen to us, we have great friends who we are close to, who wouldn’t let a baby get in the way of our friendship”. So just over one year on how did I fare? was I just as naive on this as I was most other things regarding life after baby?

Well to start with, everything was the same. Our friends were happy for us and would pop around for a visit. Their visits were regular and friendly and they understood you were shattered and that remembering to put pjs on to greet your guests was pretty much the pinnacle of your mental capacity. I was even proud of myself that I had no conversations about poop with them (it was close though). But then the gaps between visits lengthened, and got longer and longer. You didn’t notice at first because you understood they were busy, and you were pretty tired anyway so it didn’t really matter. Actually you were secretly grateful that they didn’t come over and you didn’t have to get out of your around the house pj’s and into your nice pj’s.

Then when you did catch up you eventually got  to that awkward moment in the conversation. The one when you and your friend either at the same time, or after you have pointed it out, realise you were not invited to the awesome outing your friend is talking about. You will be sitting there chatting away and your friend will be telling you all about their fantastic day/night out, when you calmly (or perhaps not so calmly, more like a sobbing or screaming wreck of a banshee) ask why you were not invited the reply is generally along the lines of “Oh sorry I forgot” or “it was a spur of the moment thing” or even “I thought you would be busy with the baby”. No matter what the response what your really hearing is “I couldn’t be bothered making an effort”.

Unfortunately that is literally the beginning of the end. Really if it has gotten to that stage then next step is if your lucky a text randomly asking you to a party/event you clearly can’t get too at short notice. Which soon descends into following their adventures on facebook, if your lucky.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. You start developing new friendships with other new (or old) parents, in particular people with kids your own child’s age. It’s great to have people who you can talk to about the wretchedly smelly poopy nappy you had to deal with, or the fact that your child sang the theme song to Ben 10, 100 times in 10 minutes. But these new friendships take time to cultivate and get to that “comfortable” stage you were used to.

So what do you do in the mean time? well there isn’t much you can do. Your first child means huge changes in your life, that includes old ways, habits and friends. You almost need to grieve the life and friends you left behind. But dont wallow into much self-pity, your new life is just beginning and you are about to form some amazing friendships with people you may never have met otherwise. Also ironically when your still single party friends start having children then come back into your life again, like wise people who were maybe passing acquaintance previously become good friends. So keep in mind while it may be tough and saddening to realise your friendship may never be the same, you will get through it. You will emerge with new wonderful friends. Because it is not just your friend who changed and left you behind, but you who has changed and left your friend behind.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. stacybuckeye
    Jul 22, 2011 @ 11:27:00

    What a very honest post. Friendships do change. I am still trying to find Mommy friends and it’s hard.


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