Pregnancy Stuff Not Talked About

Pregnancy? What?!

I knew it all. I’d worked in childcare, with a variety of different kids of different ages. It helped. I read a lot. I read books on different parenting philosophies and finally settled on one that I agreed with. I talked to people, other mums, My mum. I googled. I asked questions. I was totally ready for parenthood. (Until the baby was born of course!).

But pregnancy? I had no idea. Even while I was experiencing it, I thought I was losing my mind.

Sore boobs? Bloating? Stretch marks? What is all this! What is this feeling, deep in my belly when I walk that feels like a leg is falling out? Why do I have the sudden need to cross my legs and grab myself before I sneeze? Panty liners, a daily exercise in futility. WHAT has happened to me?!

There are things in pregnancy that people simply do not talk about. It’s not taboo, I think it gets lost in all the conversations about names, nursery designs and all the other “fun” topics. But people need to know, that there are seriously GROSS parts of pregnancy. These were the ones I learned about the hard way!

– Farting. Expect the unexpected. At the most horrifying moment, you will at least once, find a smell so toxic that even dead stuff is trying to run away, has left your body. Usually In public. Expect it, and have a response ready. My personal favourites were “Well there ARE two of us!”, and “Eating for two, Farting for two”. Alternatively, be prepared to bail out of that aisle, or entire supermarket, fast.

– Excretions. Let’s use that word, because frankly saying “discharge” is right up there with the words “moist” and “froth” and make me want to sit in a padded room and twitch. Anticipate lots of them. Panty liners are your friend. And if you think your waters have broken, be prepared to find yourself sniffing around the evidence. Pregnant people do stupid things. But maybe shut the door first, or your partner or friend may find it strange that you have your nose buried in your underwear.

-Grooming – With the belly, comes the very high risk in the final weeks that you won’t be able to see your feet. Not being able to see your feet means you can’t see your knees, or your.. higher areas. Areas that you might once have liked to keep trimmed, shaved or waxed become the unknown and the unseen. Before you know it, bushfire season has rolled around (and if you’re anything like me no way is your darling partner getting any action anyway), and you find yourself having to “deal” with the situation. The only lesson I have for you here is vital. GET A MIRROR. Flying blind may work for underarms, or legs? But you do not want to be slipping and slicing THAT particular part of your anatomy. And if for whatever reason, choice or emergency circumstance you end up having a caesarean, your nurse will shave for you. I prefer to deal with it myself, its much more dignified!

-Boobs – They will get bigger. Significantly. And they may ache. But did you know they can actually leak colostrum, BEFORE the baby comes? Me either! Probably, we were too busy talking about names and nurseries! Whoops! My first pregnancy I went to the doctor worried I had breast cancer because something was oozing out of my left nipple. Not only was I mortified that I had to make the trip and pull out my boob for her to inspect, but when she got the giggles it didn’t help my cause. Boobs leak. Those breast pads you’re told to purchase? You might need them earlier than you expect.

It’s not all the glamorous belly shots, and gentle kicks and bumps I had envisaged. Some of it was downright disgusting. By the last days of my most recent pregnancy I was taking two – three showers a day, just to try and feel clean, and comfortable. Pregnancy can be tough. It can be sweaty, gooey, itchy, stretchy and just uncomfortable. The end result is worth it. But sometimes it helps to know some of what you might be getting into. You are allowed to feel horrible. You’re even allowed to voice that you “gasp” aren’t enjoying being pregnant. It’s normal.

But the baby at the end, sure makes up for the ick.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: I don’t know who thought it might be a good idea to collaborate with me! « Nearly Not Quite
  2. Sera
    Jan 07, 2011 @ 10:07:22

    lol i’d almost forgotten about all of this!!! this makes me
    (and probably a few other people) wonder why we like to get


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